What I didn't include in this response was my internal experience of shame, confusion, and fear. I felt ashamed that I was asking for too much. I felt confused because I had no sense of how everyone else was deciding on what number to ask for. And I felt afraid my chances of being accepted into the program would diminish if my ask was deemed too high for the financial position I was in (now I know applicant acceptance and scholarship request are reviewed separately). Or worse, I would be perceived as a greedy bastard who had no concern for the well-being of others who also needed scholarship to attend. It was a wickedly uncomfortable position to be in. Looking back, I attribute much of that discomfort to the system of money itself, which I will not go into detail about in this blog but will simply share that It makes complete sense that it is so difficult to channel money in a needs-based way because money is built on mindsets of scarcity, accumulation, and separation to begin with.

That being said, even in the process of dreaming up a kinder world, we currently live in a world deeply entrenched in market logic. This program needs tuition from students to run even while the organizing team’s ideal is to offer the experience as a full gift.

The staff at Contemplative Semester want to give you the gift of particular teachings through the program, AND we want as many people to receive this gift as possible.  Our scholarship fund is trying to account for the different amounts of monetary support we come from so the burden of finitude is as equitably distributed among the community as possible. This process is hard. 

I hope the following observations I use to orient to our system of money, as well as some journal prompt questions can be helpful to you in your process of applying for scholarship. 

Money Observations

• Money is the primary way most of us in this country sustain our survival in an easeful and dignified manner. 

• People have different amounts of money in their bank accounts, different family financial situations, different abilities to access monetary resources through work-exchange, and different psychological and embodied relationships with money. 

• Individual and collective human needs are sensuous and sacred and do not map intuitively to numeric valuation. 

Journal Prompt Questions

• What do you predict will be the cost of your needs across the length of future you want to plan for (I try to plan for six months)? 

• What does it feel like to momentarily put down the weight and complicatedness of tuition?

• I recommend oscillating between the above prompts as it feels supportive.

My journey with money, needs, and gift due to the Contemplative Semester

For a long time, I felt terrified of running out of money. I was terrified of the possibility of losing easeful and dignified access to shelter and nutritious food and much more. At the same time, I often felt sick to my stomach imagining returning to jobs I had in the past to maintain the amount of income needed to meet my needs. 

What the Contemplative Semester offered me was a reminder of how one could relate to needs and the finitude of resources without resorting to a mindset of accumulation or resignation. I remembered the possibility of collectively mourning times of insufficient resources and the possibility of collectively celebrating, and I mean REALLY celebrating, the times of enoughness. In addition, the classes at CS taught me ways to connect with my needs and skillful ways to express those needs. Then, because we were living cooperatively, I was able to practice and explore such possibilities with other students without being crushed by the norms of hyperindividualism that dominate the wider world.

The experience initiated the transformation of my relationship to money from one of compulsive planning to one of skillful trust. Alongside many other sources of wisdom around the subject of mutual flourishing like the teachings of Miki Kashtan, Genevieve Vaughan, Robin Wall Kimmerer, Alan Watts, my past therapists, and vulnerable conversations with loved ones, it became clear to me that money simply yet omnipotently obscures the fundamental way we related to one another: through gift. Somehow, my needs have been met enough to make it 26 times around the sun. I could never fully explain how that happened, but it did and I never had control over it. 

Now, instead of attempting to control my survival and thrival in the future, I try to direct my attention towards what resources are already available to me in the moment. I do my best to appreciate these momentary gifts and share them as widely as possible. When I do not feel I have enough, I try to remember that I have the ability and ever growing capacity to ask others to share what they see is available. 

Simultaneously, money still largely dictates which and how much of resources flow to my body.     

My current project is planting seeds of courageous money conversations in the soils of my relationships. I hope to transform the discomfort of money dialogue into greater intimacy. 

When I must engage with exchange logic, I try to do so with a soft and warm heart - seeing the gift that is still moving between us even if it is distorted. 

I really hope you apply to the program even if the tuition number and scholarship application looms dauntingly before you. I encourage you to approach this process with as much care and presence as is available to you, as this system of money will run us if we cannot be with it in our full agency and power. If you have any specific questions, I would love to hear them through email: spencer@contemplativesemester.org.